My behind is trying to overthrow the government. To hear it in your head as is southernly appropriate think “BEE-hind”. Anyway, yes, my behind is threatening mutiny. Just the other night it tried to throw me out of the bed. I hit the ground and barely managed to get my feet under me when I had to take a few steps just to keep from taking a face plant right into the dogs’ water bowl. I keep talking about Nick crowding me in the bed when in fact it’s my arse that’s the main culprit I think. That’s not to say that Nick doesn’t crowd me (Nick is one of my many dogs) but lets just be honest and face the fact that if my behind were smaller in general there would be much more bed available.
Just over the holidays my behind tried to encroach on Julie’s seat at the movie theater. I found myself squished up against a wall at one point just hoping that my saddlebags wouldn’t eek under the cup holders and accidentally touch her. To make matters worse I couldn’t comfortably fit between two of the cup holders. Not pretty this eeking. So I think to myself that maybe if I take very shallow breaths it will mitigate the eeking. Nope. All that did was almost make me pass out, which was further enhanced by the fact that I had a gut full of popcorn, which was pressing on my diaphragm.
Then yesterday my behind tried to smoosh me up against the steering wheel in my own mini-van. Oh yes. This behind is devious and unrelenting in its pursuit of control. It’s making my knees hit the steering column, and I look even more like somebody’s granny with my head practically touching the windshield.
The crowning glory of my arse’s mission to overthrow the government was when it managed to wedge me in between my boss and my keyboard day before yesterday. I was standing next to my computer, which has a keyboard that swings up and out – and subsequently locks into place. My boss sat in my chair to do something and I found myself firmly wedged between the two. I was pretty humiliated to have to ask him to move a few feet over so I could dislodge the booty and get out of there.
It’s a conspiracy! This thing is practically it's own continent, and it's getting too big for its britches. But that’s OK – I’m on to it. I’m taking control of the government back. After all, there are a lot of things in my life right now that are completely out of my control. This mutinous booty problem does not have to be one of them. May God give me the strength.